In a Flash
by LayKay
Summary: "He was relieved to say the least when she decided to take an early maternity leave with four months left in her pregnancy to prepare for their son. He thought she'd be safe but bad things happen everyday, to everyone."
1. Chapter 1

Rick sat next to the hospital bed where Kate lay, unconscious. The machines beeping were the only sound in the room, one following her heart rate and the other keeping track of their unborn baby's. He worried about her more than normal since she'd become pregnant. It had never been just her life she was risking when walking into danger, it was his too. Now there was something more important than her or him, it was their family at stake. A little piece of them both that if they lost he knew they'd never fully recover from.

He was relieved to say the least when she decided to take an early maternity leave with four months left in her pregnancy to prepare for their son. He thought she'd be safe but bad things happen everyday, to everyone.

He hadn't expected for their car to get hit by a drunk driver in the middle of the day on the way to a doctor's appointment, for her airbag to not deploy. He tried to not look as firefighters tore the roof of the car off to get to Kate. She was airlifted away and he was left sitting in the car in shock, his hands still tight around the wheel. With the exception of a few bruises and a nasty cut on his head, he was fine. He was quickly stitched up and taken to the hospital to be with her.

They'd put her into a medicated coma so the baby wouldn't go into distress while her body healed. Still, he sat next to her day and night waiting for her eyes to open. No matter how much the hospital staff or Alexis or Martha or Jim urged him to leave, go home and get a good night's sleep he never did. He knew she wouldn't wake up until the doctors stopped pumping drugs into her but he couldn't leave her, just in case. He certainly couldn't go home, to their house, to sleep in their bed without her, pass the light blue nursery that in a perfect world they would be home now decorating for their baby boy who would be with them in less than three months.

The doctors assured him that in time she would make a full recovery but it would take extensive physical therapy. They told him that she could eventually return to the force but he silently hoped this would be incentive for her to retire early, to be a stay at home mother. He knew that she wouldn't go for it though, as soon as she was physically able she would be back out on the field. She'd been going stir crazy for the last few weeks, she had no idea what to do with herself.

They didn't need her income but they'd agreed that he would stay at home like he did when Alexis was young. She loved her job too much to walk away and no matter how much he worried, he couldn't ask her to stop.

He held onto her hand, his imagination allowing him to believe she was squeezing his just as hard. "You have to be ok, Kate," he whispered, not sure if she could hear him. "I can't do this without you." As he looked at her, he could have sworn he saw her eyelids flutter. He kissed her hand softly, leaning back in the chair like he had so many times before closing his eyes.

* * *

AN: I don't know if I'm going to continue it or not. Give me some feedback


	2. Chapter 2

"Dad?"

Alexis' voice made Rick jump. "Hey, kid," he said, glancing at her quickly before turning back to stare through the window.

As Alexis walked over to him, looking into the window of the NICU, where a few tiny newborns laid in incubators. "What are you doing here?"

"Jim's with Kate. He wanted some time alone with her." He didn't look away from the babies on the other side of the glass. He hated to be away from Kate for more than a couple minutes. He wanted to be the first person she saw when she finally woke up but Jim promised he'd call him if anything changed.

"I meant why are you looking at preemies and babies with heart defects?"

He inhaled deeply. "What if I lose her? Or him… or both of them?"

She put her arms around his waist, tucking herself under his arm. "You won't. Kate's strong, Dad. The doctors said she'll be fine and the baby's doing good too."

"Doctors can be wrong though."

She squeezed him quickly, leaning her head against his arm. "They aren't. You know they aren't. Kate will be fine, so will the baby." She looked up at him. "You know, I still remember the day you told me Kate was pregnant. You sat me down and talked to me like a three year old, you told me I was gonna be a big sister and was gonna have a lot of responsibility with the new baby and that you and Kate would need my help. You know, that stills stands. Whatever you guys need, I'll be there. Just call me."

"Thanks, sweetheart. I might have to take you up on that."

* * *

After what seemed like ages, the doctors took Kate off the medication that kept her in her coma. She didn't wake up immediately, like people did in the movies. She slept for a few more hours, it calmed him when she made the same little noises she made when she normally slept. He let out a sigh of relief when she started moving whatever wasn't encased in plaster. She hadn't slept very soundly since she'd gotten pregnant, always claiming she could never get comfortable. She'd let out pained groans every so often, when she shifted into a position that put pressure onto one of her injuries. He hated seeing her in pain but he was relieved she still had control of her limbs and could feel them.

It was past midnight when she finally opened her eyes. It was ironic, he wouldn't go to sleep until she woke up. "Castle." Her voice was so soft he almost didn't hear. He thought for a second he'd imagined it, like he had so many times, until he looked down at their entwined hands and saw her finger tracing the smooth metal of his wedding band.

"Oh God, Kate." Without thinking, he grabbed her face and kissed her quickly. She winced, pushing back from him. "Sorry, I know you must be in pain. I'm just so happy to see you again." Her hand left his, traveling to her swollen belly. He misread the terrified look in her eyes. "Don't worry, the baby's fine."

"Baby," she mouthed the word, then looked at the wedding and engagement ring set on her own finger. "Our baby?" she asked, her breathing quickening.

"Yeah, our baby." He drew in a deep breath, preparing himself for the answer to his next question. "Kate, what's the last thing you remember?"

"I don't know… a tiger."

"A tiger? The last thing you remember is being trapped in a room with me and a tiger?"

She nodded, he ran a hand through his hair. The doctor said to not overwhelm her and this had to be overwhelming, to know their relationship, their marriage, the baby they'd made was all just a blank space in her memories.

"Um… the doctor said to find him when you woke up so… I'll go get him." He stood up slowly not taking his eyes off her. "I'll be right back."

He left the room and marched quickly to the nurses' station. "I need Dr. Burke."

"He's in surgery right now."

He rolled his eyes. "My wife, Kate Castle, just woke up and she doesn't remember the last three years! I need to talk to a doctor."

"Alright, sir. Calm down, please. I'll call for one of the interns who has been working her case with him."

He rolled his eyes. "An intern," he mumbled. "Perfect."

* * *

"Mr. Castle, head injuries can be tricky," the intern, Dr. Johnston told him as they stood in the hall outside of Kate's room. "She suffered head trauma in accident. Actually, she's making a spectacular recovery."

"Yeah, really spectacular. She doesn't remember our entire relationship."

"And you said the last thing she remembers is being locked in a room… with a tiger."

"I know it sounds crazy but it did really happen. We were kidnapped and handcuffed and… the tiger was gonna eat us."

The doctor nodded. "Well, there are times when one trauma can knock a victim back to a time when another major trauma occurred in their life."

Rick shook his head. "It was scary, yeah but it wasn't really traumatic. I mean, we both came out fine. She can't go near the tiger pit at the zoo but…" he trailed off, shrugging

"Well, flashing back to an event as specific as that could mean different things. If a tiger hadn't been involved, I'd say it was a time she felt safest so she took herself back there to be safe again."

"Right, thanks Doogie," he said to the young doctor. "I should get back in there so she's not alone."

Dr. Johnston nodded, not reacting to the Doogie Hauser comment. "Yes, sir. Dr. Burke will be up to check on her as soon as he's out of surgery."

Rick watched the doctor walk away then turned to go back into Kate's room.

"You came back," she whispered.

He smiled, moving back to the chair next to her bed he rarely left. "Always. I could never leave you."


	3. Chapter 3

Rick went home for a night to get a duffel bag ready. Kate had been complaining about wearing a hospital gown, so he packed some clothes for her. Mostly his t-shirts and sweats, as her clothes would be difficult to get in and out of with a broken arm and leg. He also packed their wedding album and his laptop that had videos of them on it. Doctors told him that seeing pictures might trigger some memories.

He sat in his chair in her hospital room as she flipped through the pictures, watching her face for any signs that she remembered the moment she was looking at but all the smiles were superficial. To her, all the pictures were like those annoying slideshows people forced her to sit through even though she didn't really care. Even though it was her face in the pictures with him, the memories that went with them weren't hers anymore.

"This is when there was a video crew at the precinct. They were making a documentary about band whose lead guitarist was killed. We told them to destroy this footage so it wouldn't get out but um… I managed to dig it up." He pressed play and showed her the quick, stolen moments in the station the cameras had managed to catch.

"How long ago was this?" she asked, watching herself as she smiled at him, leaning into his hand as he brushed her hair from her face to stroke her cheek softly.

"About two years. We had been dating a couple months, you wanted to keep our relationship a secret. In fact, you didn't tell anyone at work until I proposed. Everyone laughed at you because they'd all known the whole time."

"So we started dating about two years ago and we've been married ten months? And now we're expecting a baby." He nodded. "That's all… really sudden."

"Well, when we started dating we had four years of wasted time to make up for and we just kind of threw caution to the wind. We were only engaged for three months when one day you came home and decided you didn't want to wait for another year until the day we'd set. We went to our house the Hamptons that weekend with our parents, Alexis, Lanie, Ryan and Esposito and we got married on the beach in the backyard by a justice of the peace."

She smiled, looking at the pictures of their wedding. It was clearly thrown together at the last minute, not at all something that would be expected of the Castle family. The men all wore dark suits with different colored ties and the sundresses the girls wore were mismatched, Alexis wore blue, Lanie was in light orange and Martha was in green. Her wedding dress was simple but beautiful, a white plain silky dress that hugged her curves.

"And the baby?" she asked. "Was that another epiphany I had, that I couldn't wait any longer to have kids?"

"No, actually. You were perfectly content with it just being you and me, at least for a little while longer. The baby was a surprise but it was almost no time before you were completely in love."

"I'm not surprised I didn't want a baby right away. I had enough to do to take care of you."

He laughed. "That… that's exactly what you said when we found out. You said soon you'd have two kids running around the house all the time. But the first time you felt him kick, you went into full mommy-mode. You started baby proofing everything. I couldn't get my underwear drawer open for a week."

She smiled. "Sorry," she told him. "So, does he have a name yet?"

"Not really. You said you wanted to let him name himself. You and Lanie had this idea that the first time you held him, you'd know what his name should be. You like the name Connor but when I started calling him that, you yelled at me: '_what if he doesn't feel like a Connor?'"_ he said, imitating her voice. "And how could I argue with that?"

"You mean that after all these years and almost a year of marriage you haven't realized yet that you should never fight me on anything?"

He shrugged. "I still like to push your buttons. That never changed. Only the way you react did."

She smiled, looking at him. Like she had in her most recent memories, she just wanted to lean over and kiss him. She bit her bottom lip, wondering how he would react to it. "Come here," she said, knowing she wouldn't be able to lean in far enough without hurting herself.

He put down the pictures he was flipping through, looking for ones to show her. "What's wrong?"

"Just… come here. I… have an experiment."

He raised his eyebrows, leaning in a bit closer. She motioned with one finger to come closer until his face was just inches from hers. Placing her uninjured hand on his cheek, she leaned forward just enough to press her lips against his. He kissed her back automatically but she pushed him away too quickly.

"Sorry," he whispered.

"No, it's fine. I thought maybe it trigger a memory of our first kiss."

He laughed. "Our real first kiss was nothing like that." He told her the story of the night they became a couple, how she'd almost been killed again by Maddox and that she quit her job then came to his house, grabbing him and pushing him against a wall. "Oh, and I should probably tell you. I know you remember."

"What… Castle, I honestly don't remember anything. I mean, I wish I did but I…"

"No, no I know you aren't lying. I know you remember being shot and I know you remember me telling you that I love you before you passed out."

She opened her mouth then closed it again. "Castle, I… I'm sorry. I couldn't…"

"Don't. I know. We've rehashed this whole thing, it's all far behind us."

"It's not for me," she said. "Did I ever find out who stabbed my mom?"

He released a breath. "Let's not talk about this right now."

"Castle, how do you expect me to remember if you won't tell me anything?"

"You'll remember when it's time for you to remember. We don't like talking about it anymore because it's three years in the past, it's over. You do know who killed your mother."

"So he's in jail?"

He sighed softly. "Kate, can we just not talk about this? Maybe there's a reason your memory went as far back as it did."

"You can tell me or I'll just ask someone else. I'll ask as many people as I have to until someone tells me."

He ran a hand through his hair, knowing this meant the wall he'd worked so hard to get over was back.

"I know this is hard for you, Castle but it's hard for me too. I want to remember our relationship and our marriage but I can't just remember the good stuff and leave a hole in my memory of everything you don't want to tell me."

"Can't we just work on the good for now and then work on the rest when you feel better?"

"As much as I would love that, it won't mean anything. I know there was a struggle to get to that day on the beach. I need to know what led up to these pictures to really appreciate them."

He pinched the bridge of his nose and inhaled deeply. "Alright." He starting digging through the memories from three years ago he'd pushed back, recalling everything he could for her.


	4. Chapter 4

Kate let out a soft sigh as she looked at the pictures Rick brought in. They'd agreed to mix in good and bad memories so neither would overwhelm her but recovering them proved to be harder than they originally thought.

After he started holding up random pictures to try to make her tell him where they were when it was taken, she'd started lying. She used clues in a picture of their honeymoon in the Bahamas to pretend she remembered. His face lit up with a huge smile and he kissed her quickly. Then showed her another picture.

"Is… is it alright if we stop?" she finally asked. Trying to make up stories and changing what she was saying based on his expression was exhausting and giving her a worse headache than the one she seemed to constantly have.

"Yeah, that's fine." He put the pictures aside. "What do you want to do? Your leg strengthening exercises or I could take you for a walk around the floor…"

"I want to go home."

He leaned slightly closer to her. "Home isn't what you remember."

"I figured. Maybe being back there will bring something back though. My doctor said being back in familiar surroundings might help."

* * *

Rick arranged for Kate to be released from the hospital two weeks early once he got their house equipped for the wheelchair she had to use until she was strong enough to walk on her own and arrange for a private nurse to come every day to check on her progress and help with her physical therapy.

She didn't pay much attention to the route they were taking on the drive from the hospital until they passed the precinct. She lifted her head off the cool window and looked around. "We're going the wrong way."

"No we aren't. We live on East 77th Street."

"East 77th? As is on the Upper West Side?"

He nodded. "We actually live in a penthouse."

She swallowed hard, sliding down in her seat a bit. She couldn't go back to her apartment, the loft was at least a little familiar to her. "What happened to your loft?"

"Alexis lives there. I'm sure she'll let us stay for a while if you'd be more comfortable there," he said as if he were reading her mind. "We just wanted a clean start for ourselves."

She shook her head. "No, it… it's fine. Doctor said I need to go back to life as normal… continue my daily routine and try to live as normal as possible."

He nodded. "Well, you love it. It's a nice place to raise a family and the building is safe. You actually chose it without me. I had a book reading to go to and our real estate agent called, telling you about this place and that it was going to go fast. You went to see it and when I got there, you had already signed a lease."

She forced herself to smile and nodded. She watched the buildings go by, recognizing them but she knew they should be more familiar to her than they were, sense she'd passed them every day for at least a year.

Rick finally stopped driving, pulling into a space in front of a tall brick building. He quickly got out of the car and pulled Kate's wheelchair out of the backseat. A young man left his post at the door to help get her into the chair then opened the door for them with a smile.

"It's good to see you again, Mrs. Castle," he told her.

"That's Greg, our door man. He has a crush on you," Rick said as they entered the lobby, heading towards the elevator. He inserted a key into a slot below the button that said PH, then pushed the button before the elevator began to rise.

When the doors opened, he pushed her into a huge living room. Everything was angular and clean but the color scheme she could immediately tell came from her. She tried to angle her head in a way that she could see what the black metal staircase led to, but she was too far away.

"The kitchen's through there," he told her, pointing to an archway on the far side of the living room. "And there's a dinning room off the kitchen. Our bedroom and the nursery is down the hall here and upstairs is my office and the spare rooms."

She nodded, feeling a bit overwhelmed that this was her home, that she lived here with him. Her head was spinning and if she hadn't been in a wheelchair, she probably would have fallen over. "Ok," she said, her voice small. "Uh, can you take me to the bedroom? I think I need to take a nap."

"Of course." He wheeled her down the hallway, past the nursery. She glanced in quickly, seeing the light blue paint and train border with dark wooden furniture. The master bedroom was huge, with two walk in-closets and an attached bathroom. He helped her into bed and stood next to it awkwardly for a moment. "Well, if you need anything just… you know, yell."

She nodded, trying to get comfortable against the massive pile of pillows.

"I'll just…" He motioned awkwardly over his shoulder. "Yeah." He left the room, leaving her alone for the first time since she'd woken up in the hospital two weeks earlier.

She sighed softly once the door closed, wondering how living with him was going to work. She'd never lived with anyone other than her parents and roommate at college. She did love Rick, he was her best friend and the romantic feelings for him she'd always worked so hard to push down were coming out, but she had no idea how to do this. Were they just supposed to play house and pretend like everything was perfect, raise this baby together in a marriage she didn't feel involved in?

The baby kicked hard inside of her, making her groan as the pain in her ribs came back. She ran her hand soothingly over her stomach. "Sweetie, calm down. Mommy needs to sleep."


	5. Chapter 5

"Can you turn the TV down?" Kate asked, sitting in an armchair on the other side of the living room than where Castle sat on the couch. He was watching a repeat of Big Bang Theory, she was reading the Nikki Heat book he wrote a year ago.

"What?"

"Turn it down," she yelled at him. "I have a headache."

He pushed the mute button on the remote, sending the room into silence. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I just told you, I have a headache," she snapped.

"You're still getting headaches? Shouldn't they have stopped by now? Maybe I should call your doctor."

She rolled her eyes. "You don't need to call anybody. It's just a headache, Castle. If you're still worried, my nurse will be here in an hour and you can talk to her."

"I'm… are you mad at me? Did I do something?"

"No, it… I'm just tired, alright? I'm tired of flashcards and pictures and reading your last book because you think it'll help me remember. It's not though, nothing is helping."

"You just need to give it time…"

"How much more time am I supposed to give it?"

He shook his head. "The doctors said all brain injuries are different…"

"And what if mine is like that movie about the girl who forgets her husband? She never got her memory back."

"You'll get it back, Kate."

"When though? This isn't some cartoon where I can just hit my head again and everything will go back to normal."

He sighed softly, looking at her. "What happened? You were so optimistic the other day."

"_You_ were optimistic. You've always been the one who believed in happy endings and you made me believe in them too but… I'm not the girl who has happy endings, am I? Something good happens and I can't even remember it now."

"There is no ending. Happy or otherwise. The ending is years and years away."

"You can't have an ending without a middle though. I don't have a middle. I have kind of a beginning and a… whatever this is."

"We're building the middle though."

"You and someone I'm about a year away from becoming are doing that."

He inhaled deeply. "What are you saying, Kate?"

"Nothing. I don't know. I think we just need to stop kidding ourselves."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

She shrugged. "Just that… I'm not in this marriage and you're married to a person I haven't become yet. You don't deserve this."

"Kate, come on," he sighed.

"I'm serious. Maybe we should just… cut our loses."

"What? No! No. I'm not cutting anything."

"Castle…"

"No. You said yourself marriage is a one time thing for you. And you're just gonna… give up on us?"

"There isn't an us. That's what I'm trying to say. There's a you and a me but we aren't an us. Not now. And.. honestly, I feel like this doesn't count… I can't remember it."

"This isn't some 72 hour drunk hook up marriage. This is real. It's not like we can just go get it annulled, we're having a baby! Wait, what about the baby?"

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. I just… I can't be in this… relationship anymore."

He took a deep breath. "So what are you gonna do? If you can't be here…"

"I'll stay with my dad until I get things figured out."

"You talked to him?"

"Yeah, the other day. He said I can have my old room."

* * *

He could have easily stopped her from packing a suitcase. He watched her grab clothes from the dresser and closet without saying a word, staying near the door with his arms crossed.

"Kate, think about this," he said softly.

"I have. My dad's coming to take me home."

"You are home."

She looked up at him, trying to ignore the blue puppy-dog eyes that would always get to her. "Castle…"

"Katie?" a voice called as the door to the apartment opened and closed. Jim walked into the bedroom with Greg the doorman, who smiled at Kate.

Rick's jaw tightened as he looked at his father-in-law. "Greg, will you take her to the living room for a minute?" he asked, handing the other man a fifty-dollar bill. Greg nodded and took Kate from the room despite her protests. "Why would you let her do this?" he demanded, looking at Jim again.

"I didn't let her do anything. You know as well as I do, once Katie makes up her mind, there isn't much anyone can do to change it."

"You could have told her to stay here! She trusts you. She would have listened to you."

"I want what's best for her, Rick and right now I don't think that involves you. I've already arranged for her nurse to come to my apartment. That is, considering you're still willing to pay for her home care?"

He crossed his arms. "Of course I am. Am I gonna be allowed to see her?"

"That's up to her. Once the baby's born, I'm sure we'll be able to work out an arrangement that works for both of you."

Before Rick had a chance to make sense of what Jim had said, the older man was leaving the room. He stood where he was, his back towards the bedroom door until he heard them leave. He finally left the room and walked down the hallway, shutting the door to the nursery without looking into the small room.


	6. Chapter 6

"Rick, don't. Stop it!" Kate said in the home movie Rick was watching as he sat on the couch, alone in the penthouse. He was chasing her across the beach on their wedding day. Neither of them were wearing shoes and his jacket and tie had both been taken off.

He caught her, grabbing her around the waist and picking her up, making her shriek as he started walking towards the water.

"Stop. Stop it! Do not! Rick! Castle, no." She screamed again as he threatened to drop her into the knee-high water he was standing in. She clung to him, both arms tight around his neck.

He whispered something to her the camera microphone didn't catch and kissed his new bride softly. She shook her head at whatever he said, but he nodded then took his arms out from underneath her and dropped her into ocean.

Off the camera, there were chuckles from Ryan and Esposito and an "oh my God" gasp from Alexis.

Back in the ocean, Rick began walking back to shore, leaving Kate soaking wet in the water. Once she had stood again, she ran after him, jumping on his back and tackling him into the water, dunking his head under.

Once he had emerged, he was out of breath and turned her look at her. She smiled at him, shaking her head in an apology as he walked toward her again. He grabbed her arm, pulling her toward him but instead of throwing her in again he kissed her, pulling her tight against him.

He laughed, taking her hand as he led them out of the water. He stumbled on the beach, falling into the sand. Kate fell on top of him, laughing as she pushed her wet hair out of her eyes before she kissed him.

Esposito poked his head into the frame, blocking the newlyweds. "Sorry, kids, you can't see anymore of this," he said before the screen went black.

On the couch, Rick smiled sadly and turned the television off. He sat for a moment, releasing a deep breath. His cell phone beeped, he picked it up and saw a message from Alexis: "you ok?"

He smiled. His daughter must have ESP. "I'm fine," he typed back.

His phone chirped again as she texted him again. "Need company?"

"No. I know you have plans with Tyler. Have fun. Love you." He pressed send, not wanting to interrupt her time with her new boyfriend.

He put the phone on the table and went upstairs into his office, looking around the large room. It was nearly identical to his office in the loft, high bookshelves stuffed with books lined the walls. He sat down in the leather chair at his desk and looked at the framed picture he kept beside his computer. It was of him and Kate, taken moments after the video he'd just watched. They were both soaking wet and smiling widely, holding each other close.

He rolled his eyes when there was a knock on the door. He didn't want to see anybody and Alexis and his mother, the only two people whose presence he'd be able to stand, both had keys and wouldn't have knocked.

There was another knock. And another. By the fifth knock, Rick figured whoever it was wasn't going anywhere so he went downstairs and opened the door to see a uniformed officer standing in the hallway. He didn't recognize him, he wasn't from the 12th.

"Richard Castle?" the officer asked.

"Yeah. What… is everything ok?"

"You've been served." He handed Rick a large yellow envelope then walked away.

Rick shook his head, not understanding what had just happened until he looked at the envelope. He tore it open and pulled out a packet of papers in a blue file. He bit his lip, not opening the file. He'd seen identical files twice before in his life but never thought he'd see them again.

Shaking his head, he threw the papers onto the couch. He grabbed his phone again, scrolling through his contacts until he found Kate's name. He pressed call and held it to his ear as it rang. It went to voicemail, he shook his head as he listened to the familiar outgoing message until the phone beeped. "Divorce papers, Kate? Really?" he demanded into the silence of her phone's memory. "I'm not signing them. I don't care how much you want to give up, I'm not going to. I won't let you either."


	7. Chapter 7

AN: you guys really hated the last chapter, didn't you? Welp… this won't make up for it. A lot of people said Kate acted out of character for season four Kate, this chapter will shed a little light on what she's thinking. Hopefully. These two aren't really in my control anymore… they kind of do what they want

* * *

Kate felt sick as she listened to the voicemail from Rick. Every time the message ended, she replayed it. It was self-torture, she hated herself for doing that to him. _"I don't care how much you want to give up, I'm not going to. I won't let you either." _She could hear the sadness and desperation in his voice.

She ran her hand across her stomach, finally setting her phone down. She couldn't believe she'd actually done that, signed those papers and had them sent to him. She was so sure he'd sign them willingly, that he wouldn't want a marriage with her anymore. She was scared, she wasn't ready to be married and Rick didn't deserve what she'd put him through, all the horrible things that had happened over the last few years. They were what made her strong, got her to a point where she could get married.

She couldn't put him through whatever she had to do to get herself back there. If the memories never came back on their own, she'd have to find a way to rebuild them. He'd already been there for everything once and she couldn't make him live through it all over again. As much as she wanted him there she'd do it all alone this time, she had to for his sake.

She ran her hand over her stomach again. She couldn't do everything alone, she couldn't raise her son by herself. She could hardly remember to feed her goldfish twice a day, how was she supposed to care for another human being? One that would rely on her for everything.

With tears springing up in her eyes, she grabbed her phone and pressed the call button when she found familiar the number. "Hey, can you come over?" she asked when Lanie answered. She immediately noticed the sad tone of Kate's voice, knowing something was bothering her. "I'm fine, I just… I need my best friend."

* * *

"I just thought that he would be able to move on. That we both would. He doesn't deserve to be stuck with me when I'm like this," Kate told Lanie as they sat on Jim's couch, her broken leg across her friend's lap

"Stuck? Honey, you are not something that people get stuck with. And you know better than to think he would sign those papers and move on. You know how he feels about you, you see how he looks at you. The same way he's been looking at you for almost eight years, that'll never change. And I know you love him too."

Kate started to shake her head but Lanie kept speaking.

"Maybe you don't remember being in love enough to be married, but don't you pretend you don't love that man."

"I can't be married, Lanie. I have no idea how."

"No one does until they are. Just like no one knows how to be a parent until they have a baby. You know, you read every book about raising a kid you could find. He didn't."

"Yeah, because he has Alexis."

"Who was born 20 years ago. I don't think your boy is gonna be a clone of Alexis. How she turned out like she did is still a mystery, but this kid is half you and half Castle. He's gonna be a handful. Castle didn't read any books because he knew you two would figure it all out together. You made vows, for better and worse."

"Well, this is more than we had prepared for, I think."

"Life is more than a lot of people prepare for. You know how much you two have been through, you can do this. In all the time I've known you, you've never given up at anything. You are keeping your vows."


	8. Chapter 8

Rick walked to the door when a groan when someone knocked. He hadn't had any visitors since Kate had left over two weeks earlier, he'd even sent Alexis to go back to her apartment when she'd come to visit once she heard about the divorce papers.

He pulled open the door, blinking when he didn't see anybody then he glanced down and saw Kate in her wheelchair. "What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice a bit colder than she was used to.

"Can uh… can we talk?"

He shrugged and helped her into the living room. "I didn't sign those papers if that's what you want to talk about," he told her, sitting on the couch to face her.

"I didn't. I don't want you to sign them. I thought about it and I didn't give you… or us a chance."

"And you didn't think about that before you decided to tear my heart out?" he asked, sounding exhausted but otherwise emotionless.

She knew this wouldn't be easy but she'd prepared for him to be angry. Even though she could count on one hand the times he'd raised his voice at her, she expected him to scream, to lash out in someway but there was nothing, no glint in his eye that she knew meant he was ready for a battle, to fight her and have a comeback ready on whatever she'd say.

There was no self-assured grin that she'd seen when he got his way, just a man who looked tired and defeated. One who had fought and lost too many wars with his heart to go through one more.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I was stupid, I know. I wasn't thinking… well, I was… but I was thinking that you wouldn't want me. I was trying to give you a way out."

"Why would you think I'd want an out? I've never wanted an out when it came to you. Never. You know that."

"You've walked away from me before," she reminded him.

"Because you wanted me to. When you were ready, I always came back. I let you leave because I knew someday you'd come back too. If you had to be away from me, if you had to figure things out on your own time without me, fine. But we always go back to each other. We never give up and I know you remember that about us." He went to the kitchen and grabbed the divorce papers out of a drawer. He opened to the page she'd signed, a blank space below her name for his signature. "You did give up though."

She looked up at him. "I wasn't thinking," she told him again. "I was scared and I… I'm sorry. I don't know how this is going to work but we have to at least try, for him," she said, touching her stomach.

He placed his hand over hers as he had many times in the past seven months. After a moment he dropped his hand and looked at her. "But do you really want to try? You say you didn't think but drawing up divorce papers usually required a bit of forethought."

"My dad had them rushed."

Rick let out a quick breath, shaking his head. "Do you have any idea what I did to make him hate me so much that he'd want me to be so miserable?"

"I don't know but he hasn't left me out of his sight since I've been staying with him."

"Well, if anything like what happened to you happened to Alexis, I'd probably do the same. The divorce papers were a bit harsh though."

"He was just doing what I thought I wanted. He tried to talk me out of it, but I didn't want to put you through… everything. You didn't sign up for this."

"Neither did you. We're always there for each other though. I wouldn't turn my back on you went you need me, no matter how hard you push me away."

"I'll try not to push so hard."

He smiled. Even when he should have been and wanted to be mad at her, he couldn't. The sparkle in her eyes would make him melt. "I'd appreciate that."

She nodded, biting her lip as a silence fell between them. "So what do we do about this… co-habitation thing? Are you gonna be ok sleeping in one of the spare rooms?"

His eyes narrowed. "Why would I sleep in the spare room?"

"Well, I can't really go up the stairs right now and we can't sleep in the same room."

"What? Kate, come on."

"Castle, we've never even slept together," she said without thinking.

"Then explain that," he said, pointing to her stomach.

She rolled her eyes. "I can't remember it. And that video of the weekend we spent in Aspen that you showed me doesn't count. I refuse to believe I let you do that to me."

He smirked. "Oh, you let me do it. Three times. I can show you the video again."

She shook her head. "That's ok. I remember enough about it. But I'm sure some things in it were doctored," she teased, looking pointedly at his lap.

"I assure you, the 50 inch screen did not do me justice. You had no complaints."

"Really? Well, let me see. Take off your pants."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"Well, you do like hard evidence, don't you?"

She smirked, raising an eyebrow. "I do. Drop 'em."

* * *

AN: sorry this chapter sucked. I was trying to get it done before finals killed me and I... yeah. I don't even know what happened. Next chapter will be better


	9. Chapter 9

Over the next week, Kate and Rick had fallen into a comfortable routine. She'd slept in their master bedroom on the first floor, he slept in the guest room nearest to his office upstairs. He'd wake her up in the morning with breakfast in bed then help her get ready for the day.

Letting him help her bathe and get dressed was uncomfortable at first but he wasn't the man she remembered. He'd matured in her lost years, he still made some suggestive jokes but said nothing when she took her shirt off in front of him. She had to remind herself that the sight of her naked wasn't new to him.

They'd normally spend most of the day relaxing, with an hour spent with her physical therapist in the afternoon and a couple hours of brain exercises that always made her exhausted and fall asleep on the couch, so he'd carry her to the bedroom.

"Castle!" he heard a pained scream from the bedroom one afternoon as he watched TV. He jumped over the back of the couch, nearly toppling it over, and ran full speed down the hall. She was sitting up in bed, her hands on her stomach, face contorted in pain. "He's coming," she cried.

* * *

"Dad, sit down. Please," Alexis urged as she watched Rick pace around the waiting room of the hospital. He'd planned to be in the delivery room with Kate, as he was with Meredith when Alexis was born, but they took her to an operating room for an emergency C-section. They would let him see her when she was in recovery, but until then he was stuck with the hard wooden chairs of the waiting room.

"It's too early," he kept repeating. "A month and a half. He still had a month and a half."

"Daddy," she said, hating seeing him like this. She went to him, wrapping her arms tight around his middle. "He made it this far. He'll be fine."

Rick let out a breath, hugging her back. It was a miracle that the baby hadn't died in the car accident, that the sonograms showed he was still developing normally. Had she been any further along in the pregnancy at the time of the accident, the doctors would have induced labor but she had only been six months along.

"He has to be ok," Alexis whispered into her father's chest. She'd been forced to watch him almost lose Kate over and over, thankfully she'd always returned to him. Whether she was in a coma or simply not taking his calls, he walked around like his world had crumbled. She could only imagine what losing his son would do to him.

"Mr. Castle," a voice said behind them. Rick looked up at the doctor, his arms still tight around Alexis. "You can see your wife now."

* * *

Kate looked at the door as Rick walked into her room. She had expected him to be holding a little blue bundle of blankets but his hands were empty. "Where…" she asked.

He shook his head, looking exhausted. "He's in the NICU," he said, knowing what she was going to ask. "He uh… his lungs aren't developed enough… he's not breathing on his own."

"But… he is breathing?"

He nodded, sitting down in the chair next to her bed. "They're monitoring his brain activity, making sure there aren't any problems from the accident."

"Right." She moved her hands gingerly over the incision in her stomach where their baby had been safely growing hours before. She was still getting used to the idea of being a mother, not having nearly as much time to prepare herself as she should have.

She did love her son though, just as Rick had told her after she'd woken from her coma, the minute she felt him kick she'd fallen completely in love. Though her injuries kept her from going into "mommy mode" as Rick called it she still did everything she could to get ready for him.

"I think I like Connor," she told him. He'd told her she liked Connor and when she read the pregnancy books, she knew just how much. On the back cover of a paperback book that the binding was falling apart on, telling her how often she'd read it, was lists of names. Girl names had been written then crossed out. There were three lists of boy names, two lists had x's through them except for the shortest list, which only had Connor and Richard.

He nodded, trying to get the image of a tombstone that read Connor Castle, in the cemetery next to where her mother was buried, out of his mind. "Connor it is. We'll be able to take him home before you know it."

"I'm sorry."

"What? For what?"

"When we bring Connor home, I probably won't be much help. I won't be able to take care of him… change his diapers, feed him… all the stuff I'm supposed to do. And… you'll have to take care of me too."

He nodded. "I will. I'll get you a live in nurse or ask your dad or my mom or Alexis to stay with us. We'll find a way."

"Castle, what if nothing ever changes? What if Connor's sick? What if I never walk again? What if my memory doesn't come back?"

"Hey, no. Come here." He carefully got into the bed with her, cradling her carefully in his arms. "Don't say that, ok? Connor's gonna be fine and so are you. You're getting stronger every day. You'll be back at work before you know it and I'll be home baby-wrangling all day, just like we talked about. And you'll remember us talking about that too."

She leaned her head against his chest, letting out a soft sigh. He could see the doubt on her face.

"I know you don't think so, but we really aren't that unlucky. Everything that's happened, we've always made it through and come out stronger on the other side. We're gonna make it through this too," he said, trying to convince himself as much as her.


	10. Chapter 10

Rick walked slowly into the NICU, a sterile hospital gown draped over his clothes, glancing at other parents who looked into the plastic incubator at their babies. A nurse led him to Connor, pulling a seat up next to his incubator.

He was so tiny, weighing just over three pounds, and hooked up to machines as his little chest steadily rose and fell. "Hey, buddy," Rick whispered after watching him breathe for a moment. "I'm your daddy." He carefully reached his hand through one of the holes in the incubator, touching Connor's hand.

The baby's eyes never opened, but when Rick's finger brushed his palm, the tiny hand wrapped tightly around his father's pinky, his fist only making it about half way around his finger.

All Rick wanted to do was hold him, kiss him, and take him to Kate. In a couple of days, Kate would be released but Connor would stay in the NICU for at least another month.

"I can't wait until you come home," Rick whispered. "Your room's really cool, there's trains everywhere. If you don't like trains then… well, I don't think we can get along," he joked, gently running his thumb along the back of Connor's hand. "And when you get big and strong, I'm gonna teach you to play baseball. Mommy's gonna want you to play for the Yankees so you better be able to catch because I won't let you become a cop."

He looked at his son, who was completely still. "But if you really want to, you probably will be a cop. Mom's an amazing cop, one of the best and if you're anything like her you'd be amazing too. Most men would want their son to be like them, but I want you to be like Mommy. She's so strong, she can make it through anything. You need to make it through this, you need to be strong like her."

* * *

Rick walked into the master bedroom of the penthouse, looking at a sleeping Kate as he carried a breakfast tray. Since they came home from the hospital, they'd been sharing the room again. No sex, they just needed the physical closeness with each other that sleeping together provided.

He laid the tray on the bed next to her, kissing her forehead softly to wake her up. "Morning," she said with a tiny moan as she woke, stretching her back. She smiled at the breakfast, immediately grabbing the steaming cup of coffee. "This isn't decaf," she said as soon as she took a sip. He hadn't had caffeinated coffee in the house since she'd come home from the accident.

"After you found out you were pregnant, you switched to decaf but said the minute he was born, you wanted real coffee. You're finally allowed to drink the caffeinated stuff, so I'm keeping my promise. Even if you don't remember me promising it."

She smiled, curling her hands around the warm mug. "I wonder if Lanie remembers promising me martinis."

"I'm sure she does." His head snapped up to look at her when he realized she'd remembered something from seven months ago. "Wait… how do you remember that?"

She blinked at him, frowning. "I don't know I just… said it. It popped into my head."

"Oh." He visibly deflated. "I thought you were maybe getting your memory back."

"It's something," she said. "I mean, I remembered."

"And it's about alcohol. Typical," he teased. He was happy, ecstatic actually, that something had come back to her, that she recalled something that no one had told her. "Now we just need to work on everything else."

"At least it's progress," she said with a shrug, a bit disappointed he didn't look as happy as she felt.

"I know. And it's amazing I just wish you'd remember more… something about us."

""It'll come," she told him, reaching over to touch his cheek. She softly stroked the line of his jaw before looking back at her breakfast. "Do you want some?"

"There's a reason I made so much." He grinned, moving to sit next to her on the bed, picking a piece of toast off the plate.


	11. Chapter 11

Rick smiled as he walked into the bedroom and saw Kate awake, sitting up in bed as she read. He walked over to her, sitting on the bed next to her with a box wrapped in gold paper. "Happy anniversary," he said as he handed the box to her.

She dropped her book, holding onto the box as she looked at him. "Oh um… I didn't get you anything… I thought…" she stammered, not sure what she'd thought. She knew the date they'd gotten married, he'd told her several times but she couldn't imagine celebrating, she could only remember what he'd shown her and told her about their wedding. On the other hand, she couldn't imagine not celebrating. It was their one-year anniversary, an event that would only happen once. Other couples would probably spend the day in bed.

"It's fine. Just open it." He smiled, watching her as she opened the package. She looked confused as the wrapping paper fell away and she looked at the Tupperware container in her hands.

"It um… thank you?" she said, confusion written all over her features. She tried to think if the first anniversary was the Tupperware anniversary.

He laughed, opening the container to show her the torn up onion inside. She blinked, still clearly not understanding the meaning of his gift. "These are the layers of your onion," he told her. "The Beckett Onion, I've had to peel your layers back one by one and knock down walls. Thank you for trusting me enough these last couple months to not try to put it back together."

She smiled. "You peeled my onion," she whispered, touching one of the pieces.

"I would have given you a brick but this was less risky. If you threw it at me, it wouldn't have hurt as much as a brick."

She laughed, looking up to meet his eyes for a moment before placing one of her hands on his cheeks and drawing him towards her to kiss him deeply. He didn't respond immediately but the shock of the sudden kiss quickly washed away and he kissed her back, putting his arms around her waist as the container fell out of her hand.

* * *

Kate smiled as a nurse placed Connor in her arms. She'd held her son a few times, but he'd been hooked up to machines and heart monitors. Over the last couple of weeks he'd grown stronger and was able to breathe on his own, there were no other abnormalities in his brain or heart. He'd also gained two pounds, pushing his weight to nearly six pounds.

He was screaming his head off when her and Rick arrived at the hospital but settled down when they put him in Kate's arms. "What's wrong?" she cooed as his crying subsided. "Mommy's here. Shh, Mommy's here." As much as most parents hated the sound of their child crying, they were just relieved that he could, since his underdeveloped lungs couldn't hold enough air to allow him to cry so loudly.

Rick kneeled down next to her wheelchair, placing his hand softly against Connor's head. "Daddy's here too." The baby's eyes opened, staring up at his parents with bright blue eyes they'd both been waiting to see.

Kate smiled wider, looking at Rick's identical blue eyes. "I was hoping he'd have your eyes," she whispered.

* * *

AN: sorry this chapter's so short, hopefully the next will be longer. And since I know some of you are wondering about the ending of the first half of the chapter, you guys can leave it up to your own imaginations as to what happened (or didn't happen ;P)


	12. Chapter 12

Kate jolted awake when she heard a cry from the baby monitor next to the bed. On instinct, she moved to get out of bed, her brain not making the connection to her legs and back that she couldn't walk. Her cast had been removed so there was no plaster to constrict her movements but she still wasn't strong enough to support her own weight on it.

As she stepped onto the floor, her leg painfully gave out from underneath her. Rick was woken by the hollow thump her body made as she fell out of the bed. "Kate?"

"Connor needs you," she said, bracing herself against the bed to push herself back onto the mattress. "He's hungry, I think."

He got out of bed, stopping near her instead of going straight to the nursery. He held his arms out to help her up but she shook her head. "Go get Connor."

"Kate…"

"Get Connor," she said through gritted teeth as their son continued crying. She watched Rick walk out of the room and pulled herself onto the bed, supporting a good portion of her weight with just her arms, using her sore legs for balance.

She got onto the bed, leaning against the headboard. Connor had been home for a few days and it was exhausting. They didn't want to burden their parents or Alexis by asking them to come and help them but it was taking a toll on them, more so Rick who had to wake up every two hours to tend to Connor, to get his bottle or walk the halls with him in the middle of the night. Kate handled the lullabies, Rick preferring her singing voice to his own, and because she wanted time with her son that she lost because of her disabilities. Rick was great at pulling some extra weight when it came to parenting, he didn't mind and was actually used to it because he'd been a single parent since Alexis was a year old.

"Ok, here's Mommy," she heard Rick's voice over Connor's screaming. He walked into the room, cradling Connor and holding a bottle. "He won't eat for me."

He handed the baby and the bottle to Kate, sitting next to her as she easily got him to take the bottle.

"Maybe it would be a good idea if we moved his crib in here."

Kate shrugged one shoulder. There was plenty of room for a crib in their bedroom, they- well, he- would just have to push some furniture around so the crib wouldn't block anything. "It's up to you. You're the one who needs to get up to get him"

He looked at her, opening his mouth then closing it again before he spoke. Meredith had started acting differently after Alexis was born too but Kate was quieter about her depression than his ex, as she always had been. "Do you want to talk?"

"About what, Castle? We fooled ourselves into thinking this could work. We're trying to build a relationship with each other but it's not easy to date with a newborn."

"Kate, we're married."

She rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean. For me, we're still in the early stages of a relationship. I know we're married but I'm just starting to fall in love," she told him.

He smiled. "You love me?"

She shrugged, repositioning her arms so she could hold Connor more comfortably.

"We dated almost five months before you told me you love me. I mean, I knew but it was nice to hear you actually say it. And it's nice to hear you saying it again."

"Don't get mushy, Castle. I didn't really say it," she told him, trying to backtrack and make him forget what had slipped from her mouth.

"Close enough." He looked down at Connor, who was now sleeping. "I'll take him back."

He kissed the side of her head and plucked the baby from her arms without another word, leaving the room with the tiny boy cradled in one arm. "Don't…" she began, but he didn't hear her. She sunk down into the bed, not bothering to even attempt to hide how angry she was that he'd taken her son from her and she couldn't do anything to stop him.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he walked back into the bedroom, throwing himself onto the bed next to her.

"Why did you do that?"

"Do what?" he asked, completely oblivious.

"Take Connor. I hardly have any time with him as it is. You do everything."

"I can go get him," he told her, beginning to move off the bed again.

"Don't. You'll just wake him up."

He sat back on the bed, clearly at a loss for what to do. His mouth opened and closed as he struggled to find something to say but no words came to him. "So…?" was all he managed.

"Let's just go back to sleep," she told him with a sigh as she rolled over onto her side.

He blinked, looking at her back. "Ok," he said, not sure what had just happened. He laid down on his back, staring up at the ceiling.

* * *

Kate looked at Rick as she wheeled herself into the living room, he was standing in the kitchen making breakfast, his back to her. The baby monitor from their bedroom was attached to his belt. "Morning," he said without looking at her.

"Hey," she said, still a little angry at him.

"I called your therapist. You should try walking with the parallel bars today during your session."

"What's the point? I'll just fall on my ass again," she said, rolling her eyes as she wheeled herself over to the couch, moving onto it and laying down.

"Your legs work, Kate. You shattered your right leg in the accident, you couldn't move it for almost two months. You haven't walked in a while, so yes, your legs are going to be weak."

"I don't know how to do this."

"You're gonna be ok," he told her.

She sighed when Connor's crying came over the baby monitor, shaking her head as Rick went running into his room. "I don't know how to be a mom," she whispered to herself. "I can't."

* * *

AN: so.. another Kate freak out is obviously on the horizon. There's gonna be a couple more so brace yourselves, this is gonna be a rough few chapters for her. And him.


End file.
